Je ne t’aime plus, tant pis …
I thought I’d write a little bit about relationships today, or my inherant lack of at the moment. I’ll start off with a question, have you ever been in love? I mean true love here, not just having an occasional girlfriend. The type of love where you can not imagine life without that person, you spend all day, every day, thinking about that person, dreaming about that person, you want to spend all your time with them, everything about your life revolves about them and you’d do absolutely anything to make them happy. This has happened to me twice in my life …
The first time happened back when I was 17. I was in a phase of looking for penpals from around the world, when I came across a girl called Hitomi, who lived in Japan. We met through the Japan-Guide website, which has a friends and penpals section. We began to chat by email and then by MSN soon after, and we quickly found that we had alot of things in common, we had the same kind of interests, liked the same kind of music and films, liked the same kind of styles, and so on. We ended up chatting every day, we talked more and more and became great friends. So one thing lead to another and in the end I decided I’d like to become more than a friend to her, and got the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend. I asked her on the 12th of Febuary, I guess I couldn’t wait the two days until Valentines day, lol. Much to my suprise, she said yes!
So from then on we became boyfriend and girlfriend, and as things progressed, we fell in love. In the following summer I went to see her for the first time, all the way to Japan! It was just before my 18th birthday when I flew the 10,000 odd kilometres to Osaka, never before had I felt so nervous, lol! It doesn’t hit you until you’re actually on the flight, you start worring about things like what if she doesn’t turn up, or what if she doesn’t like me, and all the other worst case scenarios, haha. But no, she was there, and we got on brilliantly, that holiday in Japan was one of the best moments in my life! She was lovely, so cute, happy, and sexy, lol. Her parents and family were nice too, and I was in Japan, what more could you possibly want! That first day was pretty epic, being introduced to Japanese culture for the first time. That day was full of firsts for me, my first proper kiss, and I even lost my virginity that night too, lol! Opps, I’m sorry if that was too much information, haha! Everything was so perfect in fact, that I even ended up proposing to her! We were outside at the moment, sat on a bridge on a hill watching fireworks together, it couldn’t have been any better. She was a bit taken back by it at first, but in the end she said yes! I came home to France a week later with an engagment ring on my finger, hehe.
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For the first couple of years that we were together, things were going perfectly, life was great. Hitomi came to stay with me here in France a few times, for quite long periods as well, anything between 2 and 3 months each time. We were happy together, when we couldn’t be together in real, we’d chat every day on MSN or on the phone. Unfortunately that didn’t last forever. I guess it started when I started college, and we couldn’t chat as much as we wanted to, which caused a few arguments, but we got over that once I’d left college and we could chat more again. At one point I suspected her of having an affair with another guy, which caused alot of fights for a while, but in the end that got resolved. The biggest problem was once she started working at a convenience store, as that meant we couldn’t chat alot, much like when I was at college. In a long distance relationship you need to be able to talk, and if you can’t do that enough, the relationship can suffer alot …
In the end things came to boiling point around Spring 2007. We had started plans to get married that summer, and I guess I was dragging my feet a little about sorting out paperwork and so on, which she got annoyed about. What really started the fight though was Hitomi not booking a flight to come over to France as she was supposed to. I got pretty pissed off that she didn’t seem to want to come over, and her giving stupid excuses. All of this ended up in a massive fight, where quite alot of not so nice things were said, and then we parted ways, each of us totally pissed off with the other. Looking back at it now, I do accept some of the blame, as I could have handled things better than I did. As some of you know, once I get annoyed or upset, I do tend to get a bit hot headed and go off on one …
We did speak once or twice a few months after all that happened, where I found out that she had already found another guy less than a month after we had broken up. Gutted. After 5 years of being together, being engaged and almost married, that’s pretty quick to jump into another relationship! I was wondering if something was going on even before we broke up, but I guess I’ll never know. These days she hates me and refuses to speak to me even as a friend, which kind sucks, but I guess it’s understandable. Do I regret what happened? Yea, totally. Do I wish I could go back and do things differently, saving our relationship? Again, yes. Am I still in love with her? No, I don’t love the Hitomi I broke up with, as she had gotten very miserable from working all the time, amongst other things. I do however, still love the old Hitomi, the cute, happy, sexy one that I originally fell in love with. She will always have a place in my heart, such wonderfull memories, but that’s all gone now, the old Hitomi was replaced with the new miserable and depressing Hitomi. It’s a real shame, but that’s life, people change over time I guess …
The second story started on website called WAYN, a kind of travel community website. A girl from Wales called Gemma added me as a friend, at random I guess. It certainly made a change to be added by somebody else for once. Not much was said on WAYN at the time, as we went more or less straight to MSN to chat directly. To be honest, she seemed quite boring when I first met her, she didn’t have much to say and was fairly quiet in general. But as time went by, a couple of months I think, we started to chat more as we got to know each other, and I actually started to enjoy talking to her. Much like before, it got to the point where we were chatting daily and having a good laugh together, one thing led to another and I ended up asking her if she wanted to become my girlfriend, half jokingly, half seriously, and to my suprise she said yes. I guess she liked me more than I thought she did, hehe …
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As time went on, I guess we started to fall in love. At least at the time it seemed like it. Looking back now, I can see that it was nothing like what I had with Hitomi. I’m not saying it was bad what I had with Gemma, I just guess that nothing can really match your first love, can it? We got on well enough anyway, I tried on numerious occasions to get Gemma to come over to visit me, but she always gave some lame excuse as to why she couldn’t come, but maybe soon! Yea, sure. In the end I got sick of waiting and decided to go and see her myself for my holidays from work. Gemma lives in Wales, so it’s close enough to drive there by car, so I went on my own in the Sierra. It was my first long distance trip in the car all by myself, and I quite enjoyed it, its was good fun bombing up the motorway, at, lets called it, a reasonable speed, lol …
I had planned my trip to make the most of the occasion. Pendulum, my favourite band, were doing a live concert in Cardiff on the first of May, so I decided that it’d be a great idea to go and see them at the same time. It was their first live performance for the In Silico tour in Europe, so it was bound to be pretty damn good. I decided all of this quite close to the date, about a month and a half before, so it then prooved to be next to impossible to get the tickets for the concert, as by the time I had decided that I was definately going they had all sold out. Luckly in the end I managed to get some from a guy on ebay, so that kind of saved the day. Luckly my sister Debbie said I could stay at their house while I was over in Wales, which was perfect really, as she lives in Cardiff. I also decided to go up and visit my Grandad while I was in the UK. So not only was I going to meet Gemma for the first time, I was also getting the chance to meet my sisters for the first time in years, to see my grandad and go and see my favourite band as well, all in the same trip, excellent!
When I first met up with Gemma at Cardiff’s train station it was a little awkward, she was obviously very shy and nervous, and as expected, very quiet. We went off to Burger King to have something to eat, where we finally got the courage to talk to each other. Then in the evening we met up with my sister, Tony, Mike and some of their friends at a pub, which was nice. We met up again over the next few days, and she started to loosen up as we got to know each other better. We had some quite nice moments together, going out to various things and places, holding hands, cuddling, first proper kiss, not to mention the odd good fucking, lol! Things went pretty well really, although I did feel somewhat kept at a distance, but I put that down to her being shy and nervous. At least she liked the Pendulum concert!
However, once I got back home, things didn’t really improve, Gemma was still like she was before I went over there to meet her. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, I always felt like she never really let me in, she wouldn’t share her problems or her opinions with me openly, and we didn’t talk often enough for my liking either. I dunno, despite the fact that I felt I loved her, her attitude just anooyed me a bit too much. In the end I thought enough was enough, as she did nothing to help the situation after I told her how I felt, so I broke up with her. She has always claimed that she loves me, she does still, and she says she wants to get back together, but again, it’s all words, I see no actions or feelings to truely back any of it up. What’s the point in being in a fairly one sided relationship? At least that’s how it felt to me. Maybe she has a different view of how a relationship should be than me. As much as I tried to make it work, it just didn’t, unfortunately, and not through lack of effort on my side! There was no point in pretending, so I put an end to it all. We did try the whole friends thing after, but I found that hard, still having feelings for her, and still having to deal with her annoying attitude. I guess this time just wasn’t meant to be, what a shame …
So where does all this leave me? Single. Bored. Lonely. None of those three and enjoyable, so it pretty much sucks at the moment, I really miss being with somebody. So, here’s hoping that the third time lucky saying will come into play, as I really don’t want to go through all this heart break again any time soon. I was epically depressed about the breakup with Hitomi, as some of my closer friends will testify, and breaking up with Gemma as well certainly doesn’t help matters either. Just for information, I will also say that I have left out a few details in the stories, as they are a bit too personal to put in a public place. So anyway, who knows what the future will bring, true love is hard to find, but it does exist, and as the saying goes, there are plenty more fish in the sea! It’s just a shame I have difficulty swimming in it, lol …
